I’m not in a good way and I need some tlc. Aside from being mentally more unwell than usual (lots of depressive moods, not sleeping well at all etc) my physical health is once again on a downswing (I’m fairly sure the two are linked). The crohns got pretty bad again today, almost at it’s worst. I’m exhausted, but I can’t switch my brain off, and have mini anxiety attacks when I try to get to sleep.
And I’m lonely beyond what words can describe. My iPod keeps playing mine and Dario’s song, and it just makes me want to be with him, in his arms, where I know I’m loved. This Sunday coming would be Theo’s birthday, and dear gods I miss him too. His cheeky grin, his amazing hugs, and his always sharp mind. Plus I wouldn’t mind having a smoke with him 
I’m considering asking the docs for sleeping pills, has anyone used them? Are there any that _aren’t_ addictive? I have my next consultation on the 9th. I’m not looking forward to it, because my consultant had decided that if I wasn’t in remission by now (it’s been almost a year since diagnosis), we’d need to consider injections. I’ve found the following list of potential treatments:
- Mesalazine : Currently on (8 per day)
- Prednisone : Avoiding this, cos I don’t need to put on weight
- Azathioprine : Currently on (2 per day)
- Mercaptopurine : haven’t tried it
- Methotrexate : haven’t tried
- Infliximab : haven’t tried (hospital administered intravenous injections)
- Adalimumab : haven’t tried (self administered subcutaneous injections)
- Natalizumab : haven’t tried
So I’m guessing that as he said injections we’re talking either infliximab or adalimumab. A lot of these treatments seem to also be used in chemo. I guess that explains why I feel a bit rough. I guess I’m in a kinda mild chemo state, persistently with a suppressed immune system. But it’s tiring, and it’s no fun. And it doesn’t help the bipolar, and I’m so goddamn lonely!
I have some amazing friends, and I’m very lucky to have them. I’m less lucky that they all seem to be terminally busy. Please guys, I need some tlc. Just chilling out would do me the world of good. Dammit, a hug now and then would help so much! I don’t think I want a boyfriend anymore. I don’t think I actually trust men. Saying that I know I don’t want a girlfriend, cos I know I don’t trust women. Yes I want to be loved, but no, I don’t trust anyone with my heart anymore. Which is sad, cos I’ve got a lot of love to give. I wish I weren’t so broken, I really do. I wish I wasn’t such a burden. Recently I seem to do nothing but cause problems. I’m so sorry guys.